We learned today that the world has lost a beautiful woman. You may remember me talking about Susan. We both attended the wedding of our friends Meridith and Doug this past summer. Susan and I sported matching chemo ports and spent much time together talking about cancer, our challenges and our triumphs. Susan was dealing with a recurrence of a brain tumor. Me, I was going through my first round of chemo. We compared stories of pursuing adoption and how our diagnosis impacted the dream of motherhood. She was attentive and positive; graceful and striking. And now she is gone. She passed away Monday. Both Greg and I have been shaken to the core by this news - this is not supposed to happen to people in our "circle".
I struggle daily to check the fear I have about my cancer coming back. Every twinge, pain, discomfort sends a spike of terror through me as the thought of "It's back" or "It's spread" invades my mind. I ran the Poland Spring 5 mile marathon kick-off this past Sunday in NYC. It felt so good to move. It felt even better to cross the finish in under an hour - THANK YOU DENISE for running by my side and talking to me, pulling me through. As I crossed that line I admit it was tough, almost painful and I was quickly reminded of what I had been through over the past six months. Yet there was a brief moment when that fear - "oh, no it must be in my lungs" was there. I quickly brushed it aside and continued my day. I have spoken to other survivors who tell me this is normal, who tell me this will fade.
So the days pass and I feel different. I started radiation Monday and that has been quite the trip. I am tired but think it is attributable to my early morning commute into the city. The plus side is I get to select the music they play while I get zapped, so I have been listening to the Psychedelic Furs and The Smiths. It makes the fact that I am lying there half naked and alone with my arms restrained above my head a bit more tolerable! Truly, it isn't bad - the actual treatment is very fast and the staff at the NYU Cancer Center is incredibly nice - I just need to get past the fact I am being radiated. It is so weird! 3 treatments down 13 to go - I hope the days continue to fly by.
1 comment:
Dearest Jane Clare,
I am so sorry for your loss of your friend, Susan. There are no explanations as to the whys...and how come now? You were blessed to have had your paths cross. I can only imagine she was a source of courage and strength when you were most scared about starting your chemo.
All your feelings/fears concerning the twinges, the aches, etc and being worried it is another 'area' is a normal reaction. It takes time and many reassurances from your medical friends that you are cancer free until you will truly believe it and realize that the ache and pains are merely due to the aging process.
You have been so courageous, positive and strong throughout this entire ordeal. Please...both you and Greg take a moment...hold each other tightly..inhale slowly...deeply then blow away all your worrisome thoughts/fears. Cross off the days on your radiation calendar as they quickly pass. The END is truly in site for you now. Soon it will all be behind you.
You are a Survivor...
KNOW it..FEEL it.. BELIEVE it!
As always, our love and prayers remain with you from NH.
Debbie
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