Friday, February 22, 2013

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Starting to Stress

It is a normal Thursday evening here on the Cape; I am still seated in front of my laptop, the dogs are sleeping at my feet, I have music cranking and overall feel pretty good. starts.  My mind begins to wander as my eyes run across my calendar and see the big red star marking Friday March 1st.

March 1st, the start of a new month and for me, the beginning of "the end" - or so I hope.  March 1st is the day I return to the NYU Cancer Center for my mammogram.  This isn't just any mammogram, no sir, this is my 5 year cancer free (knock wood) mammogram!  Once again I'll let myself fall into the metal embrace of my digitalized lover and allow him to squeeze away.  While I have normally allowed myself to fret about each test/scan/scoping I have undergone since my diagnosis and treatment,  this milestone is to me the big one.  This is what I chanted to myself while seated in a the chemo suite..."five years...if we can make it through five years clean we should be golden..." and presto, here it is five years later.

Looking back over the past almost 1,825 days since I heard the words, "Sorry, the biopsy is positive, you have breast cancer", leaves me a bit dizzy.  I cried almost every night for weeks after diagnosis and again when chemo made me so tired but feeling so bad I couldn't sleep. I cried when I ranted at the heavens and of course asked the unanswerable questions: WHY? WHAT CAUSED THIS?  But then, suddenly chemo was over followed by the end of radiation.  My hair grew back.  I joined a dragonboat team, I went back to school.  I traveled, ran crazy races, and spent time with my friends and family.  I cried for each friend I lost to the beast and each new "sister" who joins the war.  When I sit back and reflect I realize I may have cried a lot but I have smiled, laughed, and loved with more awareness of everything around me, good and bad.  Which is why I am currently stressing over my March 1st date.

Yes, I know I have no control and the cards will play out as they are meant to be.  Whatever the outcome I'll be okay... I continue to think positive.  My mom will be with me so I have good moral support.  It's just another test.  I can do this.  I will do this and hope to soon be sharing "high-fives" with everyone for finally this part of the journey, the constant fear and worry, may finally move aside and I can just deal with all the lovely aspects of the aging process!  Bifocals and bridges?  Bring them on - badges of honor they will be; awarded for hanging around on this crazy but wonderful planet!!!