Starting to Stress

It is a normal Thursday evening here on the Cape; I am still seated in front of my laptop, the dogs are sleeping at my feet, I have music cranking and overall feel pretty good.  Then...it starts.  My mind begins to wander as my eyes run across my calendar and see the big red star marking Friday March 1st.

March 1st, the start of a new month and for me, the beginning of "the end" - or so I hope.  March 1st is the day I return to the NYU Cancer Center for my mammogram.  This isn't just any mammogram, no sir, this is my 5 year cancer free (knock wood) mammogram!  Once again I'll let myself fall into the metal embrace of my digitalized lover and allow him to squeeze away.  While I have normally allowed myself to fret about each test/scan/scoping I have undergone since my diagnosis and treatment,  this milestone is to me the big one.  This is what I chanted to myself while seated in a the chemo suite..."five years...if we can make it through five years clean we should be golden..." and presto, here it is five years later.

Looking back over the past almost 1,825 days since I heard the words, "Sorry, the biopsy is positive, you have breast cancer", leaves me a bit dizzy.  I cried almost every night for weeks after diagnosis and again when chemo made me so tired but feeling so bad I couldn't sleep. I cried when I ranted at the heavens and of course asked the unanswerable questions: WHY? WHAT CAUSED THIS?  But then, suddenly chemo was over followed by the end of radiation.  My hair grew back.  I joined a dragonboat team, I went back to school.  I traveled, ran crazy races, and spent time with my friends and family.  I cried for each friend I lost to the beast and each new "sister" who joins the war.  When I sit back and reflect I realize I may have cried a lot but I have smiled, laughed, and loved with more awareness of everything around me, good and bad.  Which is why I am currently stressing over my March 1st date.

Yes, I know I have no control and the cards will play out as they are meant to be.  Whatever the outcome I'll be okay... I continue to think positive.  My mom will be with me so I have good moral support.  It's just another test.  I can do this.  I will do this and hope to soon be sharing "high-fives" with everyone for finally this part of the journey, the constant fear and worry, may finally move aside and I can just deal with all the lovely aspects of the aging process!  Bifocals and bridges?  Bring them on - badges of honor they will be; awarded for hanging around on this crazy but wonderful planet!!!

Celebrating Dr. King

Somehow it is already the third week of January.  It is a beautiful sunny but cold Monday here on the Cape.  The day is quiet, and not because of the Patriots' loss to the Ravens last night (well, maybe a bit of that IS the reason....) but more so I believe due to the holiday; the celebration of the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  This year my company is open but our CEO sent out a note this morning asking to take time to reflect on the great work Dr. King did and noting next year we will have this day off as a holiday.  I do have to mention that Dr. King did his graduate work at Boston University, a fact my alma mater is quite proud of.

As I watch various social media sites this morning, I am struck but the vast number of quotes attributed to Dr. King and I cannot help but be humbled by the passion of this one man.  I admit it has caused me to stop and reflect a bit about myself.  What am I doing to make this world a better place?  Or what can I do?

So, I start with my acceptance to a doctoral program in Health Education.  Another degree?  More school?  Yes, many folks may think I am totally insane, even more so when they find out this degree is one being borne on my own dime.  However I really like school, always have.  I love learning, meeting new people via classmates, professors and administrators (Yes, even them!).  This wonderful country I call home is in need of folks who really want to make a change when it come to health care and its delivery.  I want to be part of that change and believe this degree is one of the foundation blocks I need to do so. I have a long road ahead before I am bestowed with the title of "Doctor" but I am ready to travel!

2013 will be a year of pushing the limits both mentally (new job, more school) and physically (Another Tough Mudder??? Oh yeah - there is that whole 5 year anniversary thing too!).  I finished the 2013 Disney Goofy Challenge last weekend. (That is a 1/2 marathon on Saturday followed by a full 26.2 on Sunday).  Crossed that off my list.  Still trying to maintain my meditation practice which was my "one new thing" for January.  I thought snowboarding might be my new thing for February but given our weather forecast, perhaps I will be crossing that off my January list.

I am adjusting to a new employer and a new living situation that takes me away from many people that I love and many things I take for granted (Target less than 5 miles from my house...).  In turn I am rewarded with beauty of the beach in winter and the stillness of the "off-season".  Every once in a while the stillness gets the best of me and I allow the bit of fear that creeps up my spine and into my head to pose the questions I prefer not to answer: What if my next mammogram is not clear?  What will I do if confronted with the word cancer once again?  Where would I seek treatment and what would that treatment be?

Taking a few deep breaths, I let the questions hang in the air in front of me and then I allow them to dissipate.  I do not know the answers and hope I never do have to find them.   I refocus, I embrace the day.  I remind myself that I cannot control everything and what will be, well, will be.  I think of my grandfather who just turned 90 years old and still makes me laugh with his quick wit and small jokes.  To me, he is someone who lives for the day and I can only hope to reach the milestone birthday he just celebrated.  Meanwhile I live my crazy life and will march onward and deal with whatever cards I am dealt but hey life, a couple of aces would not hurt!!!

12-31-12

Less than eight hours to go in 2012.  I have been reviewing posts across various sites and for the most part it appears no one is sad to say goodbye to this year.  While 2012 brought me many challenges, it also brought me many opportunities.  Many things changed for me in 2012: where I call home, what I call "my job"; and I am now equidistant to age 50 as I am to age 40. (How that happened I'll never know!)

During the course of 2012 I can now claim to have two black labs, can say I go to the beach at least once a week and also that I have an MS in health communications.  2012 also brought me once again to Coachella (yes, I saw the hologram - it was pretty good!) and to the Vermont dragonboat races for the first time. I ran the Tri-State Tough Mudder for a 2nd run - this time joined by my husband. I wore a two piece "sexy Santa" outfit and ran around Boston in December.  I jumped into the Cape Cod Bay on December 1st to celebrate the Brewster Holiday Stroll. Yes, much fun was had in 2012.

I look forward to 2013 for one thing more than any other - 2013 will mark my five years "clean" and cancer free. No more meds and I will be considered a true survivor.  I will of course freak myself out until I get my mammogram and full body scan but I am trying to not think about it and have plenty to distract me: a new job, the upcoming 2013 Disney Goofy Challenge, skiing with friends, Paris, a BFF's wedding, graduations, and more.  I also have a few resolutions I hope to keep such as to continue my yoga practice,  to truly embrace the ideal of "Reduce, Re-use, Recycle", to start my Ph.D, and to do one thing a month totally new.  I have not yet decided what I will do in January but I will be sure to report on whatever it is.

Happy New Year All!  Embrace 2013 and live each day to its fullest potential!!!

Holidaze...

Wow - not sure how November snuck by... I guess it is due to so much going on these days.  We had a great Thanksgiving at my brother Phil's house. We were joined by Greg's mom and my friend Jess and her fiance Kevin.  Jess asked me to be her maid of honor!  I can't wait - Kleinfled here we come!

My career at Express Scripts/Medco came to an end on 11/22.  All for the best considering I am living in Massachusetts and my office was in Franklin Lakes, NJ.  I am forever indebted to several folks in the Digital Strategy group, namely Amy Foley, Kathy Zaccone and Cathy Pfund.  All three were instrumental to my sanity during the past four, almost five years.  They know why.

On a very sad note, one of my "sisters" is currently losing the battle to the beast; even as I type this she may have departed this world.  My dear ASZ, you battled the beast that is breast cancer more fiercely than anyone I have met; I will see you again one day and we will paddle the fastest, lightest dragon boat and always win gold.  Thank you for your honesty about how much this disease just sucks and I will always remember the love you had for your children in my prayers.

Speaking of the beast, another friend/former co-worker was diagnosed at an age even younger than me.  Seriously - we need do to better here!!!  The propensity of this disease in younger women is just plain scary.

So yes, I am angry and sad.  I have lost a friend and have the knowledge that another has started the battle.  I consider this after refilling my weekly pillbox and thinking to myself, I am now less than a year away from having to be "in treatment".  Yessir, less than three more mail orders fills for me of Tamoxifen- crazy right???

So onto the good things...my upcoming 45th birthday - hooray!  These days I love aging - it is such a gift!  Greg and I made a pledge to celebrate each day of December with something that gives us joy.  We actually started on the last day of November with a holiday performance by the Cape Cod Symphony - thanks to my brother Chris and his wife Irena.  We spent Saturday December 1st enjoying"Brewster for the Holidays" which we capped off with the very first ever Brewster Polar Bear Plunge!  It was cold!  Today we started the day off by putting up our Christmas lights and then we spent the afternoon with my brother Phil and my niece and nephew,  Maia and Gavin, at the 2012 Museum of Natural History open house.  There were games, candy, hot cocoa, cookies, photos with Santa and actually a very nice day weatherwise.  Tomorrow we will be going to see the movie Lincoln which may not seem to be festive but we will spend the hour or so prior to the show shopping for "Ugly Christmas Sweaters" as we have been invited to attend a party in Beantown that requires such wear.

We will be doing something festive each day until the new year - I'll be sure to keep you posted.  Be sure to take some time to enjoy the season and tell those you love that you do!  HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Oh - the photo...yes, we now have two black labs.  My brother Phil rescued Brandy from the Boston Animal Rescue League but it appears my niece Maia is allergic to her.  An incredibly sweet dog, Greg and I could not bear the thought of her being returned to a cage.  So...Neo now has a friend to play with.  Brandy is a pure breed American lab; she is seven years old and has settled into our family very nicely.  Crazy?  Maybe, but watching Neo and Brady run down the beach, tails wagging and tongues flying free,  reminds us every time of just how great this life can be.

Rockin' Pink

The New Balance Breast Cancer Awareness Dress

Pinktober 2012 is here.  Once again I am posting my daily pink item to my Facebook page.  This year I was also "pinked" as you will see in the link above.  Four years cancer free - woohoo!!!

Dog Days of Summer

Amazingly, the month of August is almost 1/2 way over. Yes, the 2012 Summer Olympics in London have held their closing ceremonies, back-to- school advertising has begun in earnest and the sun is setting just that much earlier to be noticeable.

I am not complaining. Greg and I have had one heck of a magical summer. We have spent the bulk of our time in West Barnstable, Massachusetts. For those of you not familiar with West Barnstable it is situated just a few miles fom the Cape Cod Canal. On Cape Cod. Yes, we have spent an entire summer on Cape Cod. We have visited the beach more than once a week, taken the Cape Cod railroad tour and the Cape Cod canal tour via the Hyline boat, lunched on Nantucket, attended the Wellfleet drive-in for all the summer blockbusters, rode our bikes to the beach, taught Neo to jump the waves at the ocean, eaten more than our share of fresh seafood while Greg supported Cape Cod Beer and I readied myself for the Falmouth Road Race which went off despite a rainy start and an incredibly humid finish.

We have been to Tanglewood to celebrate their 75th anniversary and to Burlington, VT to partake in the Sisters of the Heart dragonboat races. Greg did his first race - a Spartan no less and we saw the Pops once again in Hyannis. The end of my time as a BU grad student is just around the corner - five days to be exact. We will cap the month off by celebrating the marriage of my youngest brother Nick to his beautiful fiancee Haley up in Boston and return to the Cape for a final week of fun and family.

Meanwhile a friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer and faces surgery this upcoming week.  September brings the Komen walk and as I celebrate my four years clean, I grow nervous with my semi-annual oncologist appointment only  a few days away.  A magical summer?  It sure will be if I walk away from that appointment without a fear of making it to my five year mark.  Doing anything September 9th?  Join us in Central Park in your finest pink attire for the Komen Race for the Cure- believe me, it is a cause worth supporting!