Letting Go.

It’s December.  Only a handful of days left until we start another year anew.  Before we crack open the champagne and kiss our significant other at that stroke of midnight that good ol’ Christmas craziness is taking place.   It started Thanksgiving evening and will not let up until that last present under the tree is unwrapped, the last of the nog gone and nary a crumb of cookies remains. Ah Christmas!

December is truly my favorite time of year – of course there is my birthday to celebrate (check – made it another year, whew!) – but there are parties and presents, holy nights for many; lights on trees, in windows, on homes, and in hearts. 

This year is a bit different, as my normally structured life has a bit of chaos in it, self induced, but still chaos; as Greg and I make the monumental permanent move out of our snug cabin in NJ.   Work is crazy but I am familiar with that.  A cherished family member is facing the beast of breast cancer and that makes me, well, it makes me ANGRY to be honest.  How many of us need to suffer through the war until we beat this thing???!!!

All that aside, the one thing that weighs heaviest on my heart this Christmas is the decision we have made to forgo our chase for a child.  Even typing those words brings me to tears.  My sincere apologies to anyone who reads this and learns of this news via my blog.  It has been too painful for me to even say aloud.  Faced with our agency’s decision to drop their China program, the already seven years we have been waiting along with the possibility of having to wait another five, or seven years, topped with arrival of my 46th birthday… we are letting it go.  Sure, there are other routes we could take but it means starting over.  Doing a fourth home study.  Starting a new waiting period.  Facing possible disappointment over and over. Becoming part of the “sandwich” generation as we navigate the uncharted waters of being sole caregivers for an elderly parent.  Again, we hold each other close and say, let it go. 

The email from the agency in Washington D.C. taking over from ours in NYC, requesting yet another check and piles of paperwork, sat in my inbox for weeks.  I could not bring myself to hit send on my reply until I realized my apathy could be preventing another family from receiving the attention it deserved.  Gathering up my strength I sent a terse reply with few words, which I admit I am not thrilled about but it was all I could muster.  I hit send, moved the original inquiry out of my inbox and walked away.

I thought I was all good with this new course our lives are following until along came Christmas.  As I filled my birthday weekend with all sorts of wacky holiday events like the Santa Speedo Run and the Brewster Breakwater Beach Polar Plunge, even the Jolly Jaunt,  I was hit with the realization as to why I live a life full constant motion, flying here, there and everywhere, running mile after mile.  As I took a deep breath and contemplated my 46 year old self in the mirror, I acknowledged how grateful I am for celebrating five years cancer free and part of the reason I do love my wacky life is that very fact – I am here today and healthy so, why the hell not be wacky?  What hit me was the other reason.  Perhaps I knew it all along but could not verbalize until now:  I need to move, to run and laugh a lot in order to fill that time that we planned on devoting to another.

We planned on a family; resorting to adoption only when our attempts with fertility docs didn’t pan out.  Thinking we always had that option to retry, grieving process number one occurred after my breast cancer diagnosis.  (It’s not a good idea to try to get pregnant when going through chemo…just sayin’) Grieving process number two occurred upon the second whisper of cancer necessitating the removal of all parts required for childbearing.  I figure this go around to be number three.

Sure, I try to think positive, I have my health, my family, employment and employer sponsored healthcare (I couldn’t resist!).  But at Christmas, more than any other time of the year, that yearning returns on high as toy commercials are played in an endless loop, holiday movies depicting families coming together in all sorts of fashions hit the screens and I receive holiday card after holiday card displaying the annual holiday photo of the children of my friends and family.  People, well intentioned of course, point out the perks of being childless, and I willingly admit there are a few, but this time of year I would be more than willing to forgo said perks just for that moment – to see the smiles and hear the exclamations of excitement that only the arrival of Santa Claus can bring to a cold December morning. 

Don’t think me a Grinch this year – we will be fine and make it through; in fact just these few paragraphs have been quite cathartic. I needed to get it out.  Deep breaths.  The winter solstice will soon be ending and more light will appear.  I will run with my dogs on the beach, I will hug my husband, embrace my friends and my family, and realize how full my life truly is.

October 2013

Whoa!  October 7th?  All I can think of is the Talking Heads lyric, ..."and you may ask yourself, How did I get here"?

October is a month filled with much emotion for me.  This past Friday I celebrated my ten year wedding anniversary - amazing!!!  Ten years since that fun filled night in West Dennis.  Upon seeing a wedding photo from that night, my cousin Kristen, (who somehow is now 22, a college graduate with a "real" job) commented on how young Greg and I look.  I of course noted to her that she was 12 years old at our wedding...

October is also breast cancer awareness month and the world goes pink.  This year had particular importance because once Halloween arrives, I'll be done with Tamoxifen.  Yes... five years of taking that little white pill every morning is over.  I am officially a survivor.  I have been saying that for five years but now its real.  Do I breathe easier?  A bit... Mammogram appointment still induce stress dreams (my recurring nightmare: my hair falls out, but this time for no apparent reason or the other is I am awaiting test results that never arrive) but overall I move forward and promise to fight for a cure as even though each day I get farther away from my war with cancer; so many are still waging the battle.

So where have I been or what have I been doing?  Well... July and August were blissful, sun drenched months full of fun and house guests here on the Cape.  September brought the sale of our NJ cabin, and we are gearing up for the big move.  Oh, I love that little house... I wish we could transport it up here.

We hosted a Labor Day soiree and met our neighbors, I attended Jess's wedding shower and bachelorette party and I now look forward to her wedding at the end of the month.  October brought more family visits- my cousin Kristen and my in-laws, Greg Sr. and Jean.  Two incredibly fun filled weekends! The weather was amazing and we enjoyed spending time with everyone!  Today I ran the Cranberry Half Marathon with my awesome running partner Laura and her friend Jen,  - it was Laura's first half and she rocked it!  (Much love to my girls for sporting pink during our 13.1 journey!)  Next up I have trips to San Francisco and Maine to look forward to along with the 2013 Oysterfest.

Each morning I try to acknowledge the gift that this life has given me: the sunrises and sunsets, the warm snuggles from my Labs, the daily laughs and hugs my husband gives me, the phone calls with family near and far, a walk on the beach, a morning run with a partner to distract me from the miles we cover...I could go on and on, but I will not. Instead I will move a bit closer into the hollow of my husband's neck and pull my beautiful boy Neo onto my lab while Brandy dozes nearby, reveling in the quiet joy this Sunday evening brings me.  Happy Autumn all!

Ready to Bra Up!!!

Somehow I looked up and realized that it is practically the middle of July.  The 4th has come and go and the Cape is overrun with folks seeking relief from the heat or just from everyday life.  I love the buzz of the crowds but do need to remember to add a good 15-20 minutes to any travel I may need to do these days.

We have had friends come visit which we so enjoy and look forward to being busy entertaining the remaining weekends of the summer and into early fall.  Classes for my doctorate program are about to start and of course there is the normal "9 to 5" obligations we have so I guess it is not surprise that time it just literally flying by.

The positive aspect of this time travel is that in just a mere three months I can stop taking Tamoxifen.  Just like that, the crazy ride I have been on for the past five years will stop.  Yes, I will still get butterflies with every annual mammogram and yes I will still continue to not want to eat items microwaved in plastic containers (hey, you never know!) but the daily reminder of taking that pill will be removed from my life.  Aside from the scars I look at everyday but basically no longer notice my journey dealing with Stage IIB cancer should now be something I can refer to "back when I beat cancer".

However as I have said many times, my journey may be just about over but the fight continues.  As I sit and type, a dear friend holds onto the hope of a miracle for her sister who is currently in the last stages of an aggressive metasticized breast cancer.  With no treatment options left, all her family and friends (me included!) can do is pray.  And this makes me crazy.  Come on America, we can do better than this.  Perhaps we need to start at the basics by examining what we are doing to the food supply, the very items we put into and on our bodies.  Maybe we need to focus less on individual status and consider the greater good when we consider the delivery mechanisms for healthcare.  We need to unravel the mystery of cancer, better yet, we need to understand how to prevent it so that no one need have to worry about things like chemotherapy induced neuropathy, wearing a wig, and losing body parts.

As the war wages on, I vow to be a loyal soldier.  I will continue to be a vocal supporter of preventive screenings, of research for a cure, of fundraising to support such research and to provide care for those who cannot afford it.  That being said, this year I have decided to participate in the inaugural NYC Moonwalk.  My team, Real Superheroes Wear Pink Capes, and I will be walking 26.2 miles on July 20th in NYC at night.  Dressed in bras.  With thousand of others dressed in similar attire.  I can't wait! Won't you consider supporting our effort?
Real Superheroes Wear Pink Capes

March Madness

Time travel would be a wonderful thing; if I was able to at least travel back and remember everything I did over the past six weeks I would probably find the time to have taken a moment to breathe, to reflect, to rejoice, to update my blog!!!

But then again -  while March was such a wonderful month, I prefer not to live in the past.  Now that I am FIVE YEARS CANCER FREE, how could I want to do anything but keep on moving???  Yessir, March started off great!  After visits with my radiologist, surgeon, oncologist and a lovely digital squeeze, I kicked the month off with the great news that I had hit the coveted five year mark.  I admit it was somewhat anti-climatic, I am not sure what I expected, maybe high fives, a little fanfare...but what I got was the shift to "annual" visits to all of my docs rather than bi-annual.  Since I am currently residing in MA, this actually is no small thing.  I still need a bone scan but those I will always need to monitor the impact of my treatment protocol.

So only a few more months of Tamoxifen and this chapter of my life will close.  I cannot stamp "The End" on this story because until there is a cure, I will continue to fight.  Too many friends have had to trod upon the same path I walked and it makes me sad and angry.  How is it that we can have things like the just this morning announced Apple TV "finger remote" or the ability to find the nearest happy hour in a city we may be visiting for vacation via a small handheld smartphone but we cannot rid the world of the beast that is breast cancer?  Uh, priorities people???  I will not even get on my soap box about how technology is making us lazy - that is an entirely different blog post!

March also brought a trip to Kleinfeld's where a BFF bought her dream dress.  A wonderful day of girly fun that my mom was also able to enjoy with me.  So great to be able to turn a trip filled with medical appointments into something fun.

I started "teaching" in March; I am currently facilitating a class for my alma mater, BU.  I have a totally newfound respect for teachers.  Grading my first round of papers was a major undertaking but I have so enjoyed working with the students.  While only facilitating, it is amazing the amount of time it takes... yes, another excuse for somehow losing track of the month of March.

March also brought Greg and I to Paris along with three of my besties who each brought along a teen.  A whirlwind weekend we had a blast seeing the city in the eyes of the kids who were so great and so funny.  I am not sure how my friends could possibly be old enough to have such mature children but I will say I was so proud of what wonderful people my friends have "created".  We were fortunate to visit the Louvre and view a the original painting for the 1977 Star Wars poster created by Greg's dad and uncle.  A true treat, the collection's owner and curator treated us like royalty and gave us a wonderful tour.  We ended our trip with a visit to the uber touristy Moulin Rouge where we all had a wonderful time.

In between all this good stuff we dealt with snow practically every weekend and I worried about having a "white Easter"but we had a lovely weekend of  coloring eggs with family, a visit to Beantown to spend time with more family and a great Easter Sunday.  Blessed I am indeed.

Suddenly it is April and there are many good things to come! Look for my next post about a great event being planned in NYC this July.  Check out http://walkthewalkamerica.com.  I'll be there, I am putting together a team, won't you join me???

Starting to Stress

It is a normal Thursday evening here on the Cape; I am still seated in front of my laptop, the dogs are sleeping at my feet, I have music cranking and overall feel pretty good.  Then...it starts.  My mind begins to wander as my eyes run across my calendar and see the big red star marking Friday March 1st.

March 1st, the start of a new month and for me, the beginning of "the end" - or so I hope.  March 1st is the day I return to the NYU Cancer Center for my mammogram.  This isn't just any mammogram, no sir, this is my 5 year cancer free (knock wood) mammogram!  Once again I'll let myself fall into the metal embrace of my digitalized lover and allow him to squeeze away.  While I have normally allowed myself to fret about each test/scan/scoping I have undergone since my diagnosis and treatment,  this milestone is to me the big one.  This is what I chanted to myself while seated in a the chemo suite..."five years...if we can make it through five years clean we should be golden..." and presto, here it is five years later.

Looking back over the past almost 1,825 days since I heard the words, "Sorry, the biopsy is positive, you have breast cancer", leaves me a bit dizzy.  I cried almost every night for weeks after diagnosis and again when chemo made me so tired but feeling so bad I couldn't sleep. I cried when I ranted at the heavens and of course asked the unanswerable questions: WHY? WHAT CAUSED THIS?  But then, suddenly chemo was over followed by the end of radiation.  My hair grew back.  I joined a dragonboat team, I went back to school.  I traveled, ran crazy races, and spent time with my friends and family.  I cried for each friend I lost to the beast and each new "sister" who joins the war.  When I sit back and reflect I realize I may have cried a lot but I have smiled, laughed, and loved with more awareness of everything around me, good and bad.  Which is why I am currently stressing over my March 1st date.

Yes, I know I have no control and the cards will play out as they are meant to be.  Whatever the outcome I'll be okay... I continue to think positive.  My mom will be with me so I have good moral support.  It's just another test.  I can do this.  I will do this and hope to soon be sharing "high-fives" with everyone for finally this part of the journey, the constant fear and worry, may finally move aside and I can just deal with all the lovely aspects of the aging process!  Bifocals and bridges?  Bring them on - badges of honor they will be; awarded for hanging around on this crazy but wonderful planet!!!

Celebrating Dr. King

Somehow it is already the third week of January.  It is a beautiful sunny but cold Monday here on the Cape.  The day is quiet, and not because of the Patriots' loss to the Ravens last night (well, maybe a bit of that IS the reason....) but more so I believe due to the holiday; the celebration of the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  This year my company is open but our CEO sent out a note this morning asking to take time to reflect on the great work Dr. King did and noting next year we will have this day off as a holiday.  I do have to mention that Dr. King did his graduate work at Boston University, a fact my alma mater is quite proud of.

As I watch various social media sites this morning, I am struck but the vast number of quotes attributed to Dr. King and I cannot help but be humbled by the passion of this one man.  I admit it has caused me to stop and reflect a bit about myself.  What am I doing to make this world a better place?  Or what can I do?

So, I start with my acceptance to a doctoral program in Health Education.  Another degree?  More school?  Yes, many folks may think I am totally insane, even more so when they find out this degree is one being borne on my own dime.  However I really like school, always have.  I love learning, meeting new people via classmates, professors and administrators (Yes, even them!).  This wonderful country I call home is in need of folks who really want to make a change when it come to health care and its delivery.  I want to be part of that change and believe this degree is one of the foundation blocks I need to do so. I have a long road ahead before I am bestowed with the title of "Doctor" but I am ready to travel!

2013 will be a year of pushing the limits both mentally (new job, more school) and physically (Another Tough Mudder??? Oh yeah - there is that whole 5 year anniversary thing too!).  I finished the 2013 Disney Goofy Challenge last weekend. (That is a 1/2 marathon on Saturday followed by a full 26.2 on Sunday).  Crossed that off my list.  Still trying to maintain my meditation practice which was my "one new thing" for January.  I thought snowboarding might be my new thing for February but given our weather forecast, perhaps I will be crossing that off my January list.

I am adjusting to a new employer and a new living situation that takes me away from many people that I love and many things I take for granted (Target less than 5 miles from my house...).  In turn I am rewarded with beauty of the beach in winter and the stillness of the "off-season".  Every once in a while the stillness gets the best of me and I allow the bit of fear that creeps up my spine and into my head to pose the questions I prefer not to answer: What if my next mammogram is not clear?  What will I do if confronted with the word cancer once again?  Where would I seek treatment and what would that treatment be?

Taking a few deep breaths, I let the questions hang in the air in front of me and then I allow them to dissipate.  I do not know the answers and hope I never do have to find them.   I refocus, I embrace the day.  I remind myself that I cannot control everything and what will be, well, will be.  I think of my grandfather who just turned 90 years old and still makes me laugh with his quick wit and small jokes.  To me, he is someone who lives for the day and I can only hope to reach the milestone birthday he just celebrated.  Meanwhile I live my crazy life and will march onward and deal with whatever cards I am dealt but hey life, a couple of aces would not hurt!!!

12-31-12

Less than eight hours to go in 2012.  I have been reviewing posts across various sites and for the most part it appears no one is sad to say goodbye to this year.  While 2012 brought me many challenges, it also brought me many opportunities.  Many things changed for me in 2012: where I call home, what I call "my job"; and I am now equidistant to age 50 as I am to age 40. (How that happened I'll never know!)

During the course of 2012 I can now claim to have two black labs, can say I go to the beach at least once a week and also that I have an MS in health communications.  2012 also brought me once again to Coachella (yes, I saw the hologram - it was pretty good!) and to the Vermont dragonboat races for the first time. I ran the Tri-State Tough Mudder for a 2nd run - this time joined by my husband. I wore a two piece "sexy Santa" outfit and ran around Boston in December.  I jumped into the Cape Cod Bay on December 1st to celebrate the Brewster Holiday Stroll. Yes, much fun was had in 2012.

I look forward to 2013 for one thing more than any other - 2013 will mark my five years "clean" and cancer free. No more meds and I will be considered a true survivor.  I will of course freak myself out until I get my mammogram and full body scan but I am trying to not think about it and have plenty to distract me: a new job, the upcoming 2013 Disney Goofy Challenge, skiing with friends, Paris, a BFF's wedding, graduations, and more.  I also have a few resolutions I hope to keep such as to continue my yoga practice,  to truly embrace the ideal of "Reduce, Re-use, Recycle", to start my Ph.D, and to do one thing a month totally new.  I have not yet decided what I will do in January but I will be sure to report on whatever it is.

Happy New Year All!  Embrace 2013 and live each day to its fullest potential!!!

Holidaze...

Wow - not sure how November snuck by... I guess it is due to so much going on these days.  We had a great Thanksgiving at my brother Phil's house. We were joined by Greg's mom and my friend Jess and her fiance Kevin.  Jess asked me to be her maid of honor!  I can't wait - Kleinfled here we come!

My career at Express Scripts/Medco came to an end on 11/22.  All for the best considering I am living in Massachusetts and my office was in Franklin Lakes, NJ.  I am forever indebted to several folks in the Digital Strategy group, namely Amy Foley, Kathy Zaccone and Cathy Pfund.  All three were instrumental to my sanity during the past four, almost five years.  They know why.

On a very sad note, one of my "sisters" is currently losing the battle to the beast; even as I type this she may have departed this world.  My dear ASZ, you battled the beast that is breast cancer more fiercely than anyone I have met; I will see you again one day and we will paddle the fastest, lightest dragon boat and always win gold.  Thank you for your honesty about how much this disease just sucks and I will always remember the love you had for your children in my prayers.

Speaking of the beast, another friend/former co-worker was diagnosed at an age even younger than me.  Seriously - we need do to better here!!!  The propensity of this disease in younger women is just plain scary.

So yes, I am angry and sad.  I have lost a friend and have the knowledge that another has started the battle.  I consider this after refilling my weekly pillbox and thinking to myself, I am now less than a year away from having to be "in treatment".  Yessir, less than three more mail orders fills for me of Tamoxifen- crazy right???

So onto the good things...my upcoming 45th birthday - hooray!  These days I love aging - it is such a gift!  Greg and I made a pledge to celebrate each day of December with something that gives us joy.  We actually started on the last day of November with a holiday performance by the Cape Cod Symphony - thanks to my brother Chris and his wife Irena.  We spent Saturday December 1st enjoying"Brewster for the Holidays" which we capped off with the very first ever Brewster Polar Bear Plunge!  It was cold!  Today we started the day off by putting up our Christmas lights and then we spent the afternoon with my brother Phil and my niece and nephew,  Maia and Gavin, at the 2012 Museum of Natural History open house.  There were games, candy, hot cocoa, cookies, photos with Santa and actually a very nice day weatherwise.  Tomorrow we will be going to see the movie Lincoln which may not seem to be festive but we will spend the hour or so prior to the show shopping for "Ugly Christmas Sweaters" as we have been invited to attend a party in Beantown that requires such wear.

We will be doing something festive each day until the new year - I'll be sure to keep you posted.  Be sure to take some time to enjoy the season and tell those you love that you do!  HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Oh - the photo...yes, we now have two black labs.  My brother Phil rescued Brandy from the Boston Animal Rescue League but it appears my niece Maia is allergic to her.  An incredibly sweet dog, Greg and I could not bear the thought of her being returned to a cage.  So...Neo now has a friend to play with.  Brandy is a pure breed American lab; she is seven years old and has settled into our family very nicely.  Crazy?  Maybe, but watching Neo and Brady run down the beach, tails wagging and tongues flying free,  reminds us every time of just how great this life can be.

Rockin' Pink

The New Balance Breast Cancer Awareness Dress

Pinktober 2012 is here.  Once again I am posting my daily pink item to my Facebook page.  This year I was also "pinked" as you will see in the link above.  Four years cancer free - woohoo!!!

Dog Days of Summer

Amazingly, the month of August is almost 1/2 way over. Yes, the 2012 Summer Olympics in London have held their closing ceremonies, back-to- school advertising has begun in earnest and the sun is setting just that much earlier to be noticeable.

I am not complaining. Greg and I have had one heck of a magical summer. We have spent the bulk of our time in West Barnstable, Massachusetts. For those of you not familiar with West Barnstable it is situated just a few miles fom the Cape Cod Canal. On Cape Cod. Yes, we have spent an entire summer on Cape Cod. We have visited the beach more than once a week, taken the Cape Cod railroad tour and the Cape Cod canal tour via the Hyline boat, lunched on Nantucket, attended the Wellfleet drive-in for all the summer blockbusters, rode our bikes to the beach, taught Neo to jump the waves at the ocean, eaten more than our share of fresh seafood while Greg supported Cape Cod Beer and I readied myself for the Falmouth Road Race which went off despite a rainy start and an incredibly humid finish.

We have been to Tanglewood to celebrate their 75th anniversary and to Burlington, VT to partake in the Sisters of the Heart dragonboat races. Greg did his first race - a Spartan no less and we saw the Pops once again in Hyannis. The end of my time as a BU grad student is just around the corner - five days to be exact. We will cap the month off by celebrating the marriage of my youngest brother Nick to his beautiful fiancee Haley up in Boston and return to the Cape for a final week of fun and family.

Meanwhile a friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer and faces surgery this upcoming week.  September brings the Komen walk and as I celebrate my four years clean, I grow nervous with my semi-annual oncologist appointment only  a few days away.  A magical summer?  It sure will be if I walk away from that appointment without a fear of making it to my five year mark.  Doing anything September 9th?  Join us in Central Park in your finest pink attire for the Komen Race for the Cure- believe me, it is a cause worth supporting!

The Summer Day

I had the good fortune to take a yoga class at 7:30 in the morning on Coast Guard Beach this past Saturday.  For those unfamiliar, Coast Guard is the gateway to the "Great Beach", that is the 20 miles of uninterrupted shoreline owned by mostly the National Seashore on Cape Cod.  

While the instructor was somewhat a bit too chatty for me at that hour of the morning, (especially since I ran out to the beach and just wanted to zone out to the sound of crashing waves), she read this poem aloud to us and it has stuck with me ever since.  I found it fitting that the author lives in Provincetown, the wonderfully eccentric town tipping the Cape.  Life is wild and precious - enjoy every day.  

The Summer Day by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

It's May! Oh, Wait...it's June!!!

Anyone know what happened to the month of May?  Last I knew it was the end of April and I was looking forward to a May filled with great events, a Florida trip with friends, graduation, a holiday weekend on Cape Cod and "BAM" June it is!  I have passed a few "four year" milestones - my diagnosis and surgery and the beginning of chemo.  The five year marker is now in sight and I am hopeful, nah, strike that, I am confident, I'll be sitting here in April 2013 unable to comprehend how fast five years can come and go. This time, I will never be so happy to have aged five years, to join the group of stats that are "post five years"; we have more than one friend battling the beast this year and it serves as a constant reminder to me of just how grateful I am for every morning I wake up no matter how tired and grouchy I may be!

I cannot complain about the days flying by as it is better than watching the hours tick by.  I am thankful to be busy, to still be running, to be gainfully employed, to have great friends and a great family. Summer 2012 brings time on Cape Cod, the impending birth of a dear college friend's first child,  the Tanglewood 75th anniversary show, lots of swimming for my dog Neo, the Jersey Girl triathlon, a few pre-season games to see Big Blue, Tough Mudder training with my husband, and will wrap up with my youngest brother Nick's wedding.  I am sure I'll be sitting here come September and wondering where the heck summer went!

Spring has Sprung!

I compare the month of April to one big carnival ride... incredibly fun, a bit wild, and leaves you a bit dizzy...the month kicked off with the culmination of the ESI-Medco merger.  All I can say is: wow.  Change is always what you make of it although I will not lie, it was difficult to drive out of the office complex and see the Medco letters laying on the ground as our building gained new branding.  For twelve years I had been a Medco employee so it has taken a while for Express Scripts to roll off of my tongue.  I am extremely hopeful that this new mega healthcare provider can truly impact the US system regardless of what may happen to the Affordable Care Act.

I'll be better equipped to embrace the latest and greatest in healthcare issues come the end of the summer as I finish my MS in Health Communications.  It is simply amazing how quickly classes have flown by.  Even more amazing are my fellow classmates; what an amazing bunch of folks from professions across the healthcare spectrum!  Look out world - here comes a newly minted crowd of health communicators, and Terriers at that!

Greg, Neo, and I spent Easter on the Cape and I once again attended the Coachella Music Festival.  Suddenly next week May begins and I only just realized that the anniversaries of my cancer diagnosis and surgery passed without nary a mention by me.  Distracted?  Maybe.  Moving on with life?  Definitely!

March Madness

Queen: Don't Stop Me Now

Somehow February snuck by and left me wondering once again how is it that days can pass so quickly?  Perhaps it was the back to back 1/2 marathon weekends: one in Hampton, NH and the other in Hyannis, MA, that I ran with my cousin Kristen.  Or maybe it was the class I just finished with its weekly assignments, and exams.  Or could be the fact that my entire seasonal clock is off thanks the kindness Mother Nature has shown us this winter, or whatever season we just had. 

  That would be the sound of my hand hitting my head... I know what it was:  it was the visits to my oncologist, surgeon, ob/gyn, radiologist, cardiologist and dermatologist.  It was my mammogram, ultrasound, EKG, 24 hour holter monitor test, and three rounds of blood work.  It was the celebration of hearing "Normal","All good", and "See you next year"! Yes, February gave me peace of mind that I had made it to year number four and remained cancer free...oh, 2013 I cannot wait to welcome you!!!

I start class number eight of ten tomorrow.  I will walk in graduation in May and finish officially later this summer. Timing could not be better as my employer stands poised on the brink of one of the largest merger's in US history. I have spent much time reflecting on my next move and it seems I change my mind daily.  Thankfully I am able to go with the flow and after the past four years, I have learned that every day is a gift and that we might like to think we control our fate while what we truly control is how we overcome the challenges and celebrate the beauty that this life gives us. This year I am focused on appreciating the little things in life: the arrival of spring, the joy my nieces and nephews bring, the luxury of time once finished with my degree, good times with friends, the furry love of my Lab, and the love of my family.  (Sure, there are a few triathlons and road races in there too!)

We changed the clocks this morning so we will have sun until after 7pm tonight which can only mean summer is not that far away.  I close by quoting Queen's Freddie Mercury, "Don't stop me now, I'm havin' such a good time, I'm havin' a ball...."

2012

My first post of 2012 and January is already drawing to a close.  I am back in class, my 8 month old "puppy" now weighs 71 lbs., and every day that passes is another closer to the proposed merger/acquisition of my employer of 12 years by one of our competitors.  Add on the fact that my mother-in-law retired and Greg and I have the responsibility of overseeing her affairs and just for kicks, I just started my annual round of stress-inducing physician visits starting with labwork... and people wonder why I run?

Got my lab results back and while I admit I am not a doctor and I know you cannot believe everything you read on the internet, I think it best I leave interpretations of results up to my docs.  Let's see, over the course of the next three weeks I will be seeing my oncologist, radiologist, cardiologist, surgeon, ob/gyn, primary care doc, having a mammogram and an EKG as well as being wired up with a Holter monitor for 24 hours.  I am optimistic that I will then proceed through 2012 without a health related issue.  I am counting down until 2013 for it is during that year I will reach my five year "clean" anniversary and hopefully it will allow me to breathe a little bit easier every day as the fear of recurrence should not be so persuasive in my crazy but normal life.

Much to look forward to this year aside from my medical visits: Superbowl XLVI bringing a Giants vs. Patriots rematch, a visit to see dear friends, birthdays, the debut of my Dad's new shop, Coachella, graduation (HOORAY!), my brother's wedding this summer, a bunch of races, a few "milestone birthdays" within my immediate circle of "BFFs", and a new Batman movie... yes, 2012 is shaping up to be a very good year!!!

Snow Insurance

I must have been a good girl this year as Santa brought me everything I asked for.  (Well, except for world peace, food for all those who are hungry, and the eradication of cancer...maybe next year!)  All in all it was a  wonderful holiday, albeit exhausting, but wonderful none the less. Greg (aka Santa) and I did our normal running around but this year I just could not hit all the gatherings we had been invited to as my broken hand and school left me woefully behind on holiday cheer.  In fact I was so far behind, my nephew Aaron even helped me wrap presents.  I love that kid!  So my apologies to anyone who did not receive a holiday card from us - that was one thing that fell by the wayside.

Anyhow the photo above is of my fave present, the limited edition pink snowshoes made by Tubbs.  I have now guaranteed we will not have snow this year!  Seriously, it has been weirdly warm here; ( not that I am not complaining!) but I am hoping for snow by January 21st 2012.  On that day, I will once again join the Romp to Stomp here in NJ.  This is a great event held at Mountain Creek - a 5K snowshoes race to benefit the Komen Foundation.  Why not join us?  You can register here or even sponsor me: Romp to Stomp. I participated in the race last year as part of a  team started by a former coworker of mine who lost his wife to breast cancer.  My niece Hayden, my sister-in-law Christine and my friend Jess all "stomped" too.  It was a most awesome day and I look forward to having another wonderful day again!

I finished Biology of Disease with a hard earned "A", giving me a pretty perfect first year at B.U.  I'll walk in May for graduation and actually finish up classes in the early summer.  To say I am looking forward to completing this degree would be an understatement.  I have met many wonderful people and do look forward to corresponding with them again come January but have to admit, having the evenings free to read whatever I want, catch up housework, etc. is quite nice!

As I head into another new year, I look back at 2011 with mixed emotions.  We had many great times with family and friends and even gained a new member of our family:  our black lab, Neo. I finally got to go to Coachella. We were lucky enough to visit Alaska.  Greg landed a new gig with the film department at MSU.  I participated in many races, had another great Komen NYC walk and was selected to be in their Survivor Portrait gallery.  However, we also were faced with the loss of Greg's sister Laura, the breast cancer diagnosis of two close family friends, the career limbo I face daily in the wake of the ESI/Medco merger announcement, and the 10th anniversary of 9/11.  A crazy year indeed.  

2012 will bring me to the 4 year mark in survivorship.  (I am planning one major blowout party in 2013 to celebrate 5 years, stay tuned!)  I'll kick off the year on New Year's Day with a five mile run followed by a dunk. Yes, that means a swim.  Yes, on New Year's Day.  In the ocean.  No, I am not crazy. I have done the Tough Mudder... 'nough said.  I'll get through my final four classes.  I'll complete the BAE Half Marathon trilogy, do a tri here and there and maybe even run the NYC marathon again if I get in via lottery. The job thing - I'll wait and see.  We hope to spend many days with friends and family.  My annual round of doctor visits starts January 10th with labwork.  My resolution for 2012?  Hmm, that is a tough one.  I think I just might leave it at getting through school without pulling my hair out (since it took me long enough to get it back!) and to be sure to take the time to stop and appreciate this gift of life and all the joys it brings.    Happy New Year!!!

Holidaze

Somehow seven weeks snuck by without much notice by me.  Thankfully I am finished with classes for the year and have a few weeks to catch up on life again.  So, my apologies to those who have not yet received Christmas cards or a phone call in a while.  I am hopeful the big man in the red suit will deliver the gifts my loved ones want or I am in big trouble having not yet hit the shops...

I should be honest and admit to a few stolen moments such as the 2011 Reindeer Run I participated in with my niece Hayden.  We dressed alike without knowing it and enjoyed the scenic 5K route through some beautiful neighborhoods in Franklin Lakes, NJ.  I had a wonderful birthday dinner with friends at Ninety Acres.  Yes, another birthday celebrated for which I am thankful.  Seems my big health issue of 2011 would be my currently broken hand, a running injury if you can believe it! ( I tripped and caught my fingers in a fence fracturing my knuckles - OUCH!!!)

I had breakfast with my 88 year old grandfather who is back from sunny Florida to celebrate the holidays.  I am thankful each and every time we get to spend time together.  I continue to run when I can, play as much as possible with our now 7 month old "puppy", and try not to worry about what 2012 may bring other than my graduation in May, my brother Nick's wedding in August and the 4 year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. 

This year has been a tough one with many friends battling the beast that is breast cancer.  I wish for them nothing more than the gift of hope this Christmas and the return of good health in 2012.  Me, well, all I really want for Christmas is the same - good health and good times with my family and friends.  Oh, and some pink snowshoes too please...

Enjoy the holidays, whatever it is you may celebrate.  Embrace those you love and tell them that you do. Many thanks to all who continue to support me in this thing called life - you are the greatest gift of all.  ENJOY!!! 

Whoa - where did that six weeks go?

Today is Saturday, November 19th and I am in major denial that this coming Thursday brings Thanksgiving and the official kick-off to the 2011 holiday season.  How the heck did that happen?

I guess I know - between my ethics and biology classes; the Halloween blizzard the resulted in us financing my tree guys winter vacation and a much sunnier yard; training my incredibly energetic now six month old black lab puppy; dancing with a NJ Housewife (Caroline, at a gala fundraiser for the Ramapo Bergen Animal Rescue); eating mud and diving into a dumpster full of ice water on a brisk November day in NJ (Tough Mudder 2011!); acting as co-race director for the inaugural Butler Turkey Trot 5K to be held Thanksgiving morning; and of course allowing for morning runs, kickboxing, a Pixies show, a Lykke Li show, helping to coordinate my department at work's holiday food drive and my company's overall holiday gift drive for children leaves me surprised it isn't January already!!!

Much breaking news in the world of breast cancer research this month too.  you may have heard the FDA revoked the approval of Avastin for treatment.  If you recall, I was involved in a study for this drug and received the placebo.  Yes, I am happy about that.  They have discovered how to overcome resistance to tamoxifen (Scientists-discover-mechanism-tamoxifen-resistance) and it looks like the smart folks at John Hopkins have discovered a pathway that could prove the beginning of the end for this disease.(breast-cancer-breakthrough-seen)  All things to be thankful for this 2011.

Best wishes to all for a happy and healthy Thanksgiving!  I hope to post photos from race Thursday!!!

Pinktober

Well, I am not quite sure where September went...  we kicked off the month in Alaska and ended it in Maine.  In between we tried to make sense of the loss of Laura, one of Greg's older sisters; dealt with the mess Irene left behind at my grandfather's house in Pompton Plains; tried to give our quickly growing puppy the attention he so craves; of course there is work and things around the house to be done... oh, and did I mention my ethics class with the requirement of a paper a week?  I guess that explains how I can sit here and flip my calendar to October first.

October is breast cancer awareness month.  As I write this, one friend has just started chemo; another is awaiting the results from her biopsy.  Yet another has been told her cancer has moved to her spine.  While I am not a fan of products just jumping on the bandwagon, the fact that at least something is being done to try to rid this world of the disease impacting so many, I ask you to consider buying that fruit or chips or duct tape (yes, even duct tape!) bearing the pink ribbon.  On my Facebook page, I'll be posting my "31 days of pinkified items".  I hope one day that pink ribbon represents the memory of something we no longer have to fight and those who lost the battle throughout the years.  Myself, I am three years out and doing well.  I'll wear pink this month even if it is not my best color.